Do I have saggy tits?
to bra or not to bra
Hello, lovers
I hope the last few weeks have been deliciously naughty for you. I’ve been thinking about saggy tits, particularly mine, and what the best plan of action is when it comes to my bosoms.
Personally I think I’ve lost at least a cup and a half off their size… which is disappointing. Can’t think what could have possibly enticed them to go elsewhere. But such is life, they aren’t coming back, and they seem to have left in a hurry—because they did not pack up the skin they arrived in, I now understand the concept of saggy tits. In light of this, I have taken up walking around ‘flexing’ my little sacks of boob as a feeble attempt in keeping their nipples facing somewhat in a forward shapely direction. It’s a muscle, after all, is it… not? Here, friends, is where I began an intensive interrogation of the delightful lumps we sometimes call breasts.
Firstly, it is a bizarre thought that such a prominent feature can bud from the front of our chests—in real time—anyway. I suggest you don’t think about this too much though, because I have and I needed to take a time-out on the cold hard library floor in which I work. Once my breath had returned to a somewhat normal speed, I turned to Professor Google; “Are boobs a muscle?” I typed, to which it responded, “No, you moron.” Okay it didn’t quite go down like that but I did feel incredulously stupid in realising that I had survived 30 years without knowing what this specific region of my body was made up of, particularly as it is the most felt up and inspected of all other parts.
Anyway, their scientific name is a mammary gland. This name, for obvious reasons, makes so much satisfyingly scrumptious sense. A gland is an organ that makes one or more substances, such as hormones, digestive juices (...gross), sweat, tears, saliva and finally, milk. Shows exactly how much attention I paid to my biology teacher, who was highly un-engaging, in my defence.
A gland, not a muscle: so the repetitive tensing will do the future perkiness of my boobs no good, but surely no harm either right? I shall remain delusionally hopeful nonetheless, kegels for my tatas just like those for my hooha. Yes I did just write that out loud. And I’m keeping it written just to remind those who haven’t exercised their pelvic floor today: do it now, because other than my wishful theories on tightening the nonexistent muscles of your boobs, it is in fact true that your vagina will thank you later for tightening hers.
Back to business then, Professor Google; “how the fuck do I stop my tits from sagging” Enter. Correction, “how the fuck do I stop my tits from sagging” *naturally. Low and behold, drink more water, maintain a consistent weight, get a hormone test, don’t smoke. No. I was on the wrong track to finding the answers that suited me and my lifestyle… I had to go back to the pre-search-and-enter drawing board. Okay, what about the ‘to wear a bra or to not wear a bra’ conundrum? Enter and search.
Top answer: “Support: Properly-fitted bras provide necessary support to reduce the stress and strain on your breasts' muscles (!!!) and supporting tissues.” OH, so we do have muscles in our breasts now?! Quick re-Professor-Google search, a false alarm and miswording, I repeat for you all now once and for all—there are no muscles in the boob part of our boobs, however, as commonly misinterpreted, there are chest muscles underneath. So like the build of a grand castle we must have strong foundations, I suggest that we all flex not only our pelvic floors but our tits at any and every given moment. Walking to work, sitting on the bus, chatting to your neighbour. And yes, next time you see me, my vagina most probably will be dancing to my clench and flex rhythm, and my boobs will be bopping too, no doubt.
That all being said and forewarned—I was still perplexed and caught up on ‘to bra or not to bra?!’ If we had a foundation slab of underboob muscle, that may or may not specifically encourage our muscle-less boobies to remain facing nipple-forward and preferably skyward, will wearing a bra make them lazy and reliant on external support? Or will not wearing a bra strengthen their core in the continuous fight against gravity? Well, I expected answers, but I never expected this.
Nobody fucking knows!! Are. You. Kidding. Me. Apparently, wearing a bra ‘can protect your breasts from trauma’ so I guess there’s that. Plus, lingerie is cute. But so is being braless. So there I was, back at square one, the exact square that I hope to avoid in most of my living scenarios. Still with unavoidably saggy tits. But according to all the overly helpful, sweet and selfless gurus we find in bestselling books, and all the “!yay me look how much I truly, deeply love everything about myself!” influencers we find on social media, who all say “nobody even notices” because apparently “everyone is too busy thinking of themselves” Here is where I call bullshit.
This may seem like a somewhat unpopular perspective: but people do notice. Yes, they will be unintentionally drawn to looking at that horrible giant yellow zit that’s between your eyebrows (and wondering why or more importantly how you haven’t succumbed to squeezing it yet), they will see that you’ve put on, or lost weight. Yes, they will see the blotches of cellulite in a bikini that doesn’t compliment your colouring but looked great online and also the ingrown hairs that came from a haphazard dry shave in the 5 mins you had to spare before hitting the beach, and finally yes, they will probably notice your saggy tits. I have a giant mole on my forehead that is undoubtedly getting bigger—I worry it may one day soon take over my entire scalp, leading to me being mole-bald, except for the single long black hair that inevitably will sprout from said mole.
We as a society have become so terrified of being judged, when in reality this is precisely how we’ve managed to survive so damn long on this fumbling and crumbling planet. In addition to this—we have made the mistake in taking another person's judgement of us as our own.
Saying this again for my own sake: we have made the mistake of taking another person's judgement of us as our own. My point is, yes, I think my tits are past their prime. And no, I don’t know for certain if I should wear a bra every day or if I shouldn’t. And yes, I’ll probably notice everything about your appearance, but here’s the catch; what should that matter to you?
That’s all for now, lovers
Keep kegeling. xx
Image by Laker