I know, what a title right, why would anyone want to be single? Apparently a lot of people have pity to spare on the matter—With Christmas season coming up, and all the nosey extended familiars in its wake, I think it’s time I settle in and talk about it, just so you can too. If you clicked on this article you’ll be here for one of two reasons, both of which contain one core: you’re just as confused and amused as I am, by my dating life, or by yours.
It’s well known to my friends and grandchildren-less family, that I’ve been single for *years*, many many of them. And I love it. I genuinely have the best time hanging out with myself, not only am I so full of shit that I can provide or create most of, if not all, the drama and entertainment I need on a daily basis, truly never a dull moment—but I can also do whatever I want when and where and how I want to do it. I’ve done my 20’s the right way for me, I'm not saying it's one size fits all—but I do want to say that singledom is a very important experience, and one that we should prolong for as long as it takes to figure ourselves out.
Have you ever pondered upon the correlation of your friends' career choices and relationship styles, or the sports they like to play, or even the traditions they follow when they cook? You can spot a single person, or rather someone who is better suited to being single ‘right now’, from a mile away just from the flexibility (or lack thereof) in their habits. We tend to be hurt by our own selves, expecting flexibility when there just isn’t room for it.
Some people simply aren’t meant to be part of a pair, and sure I think I’d like to be some day, but most definitely not for the sake of it. The amount of people I see moving from their next to next relationship in their 20’s don’t fundamentally know what actually makes them happy for themselves, because they’re always thinking of how to keep someone else happy enough instead—I propose this as a general theory, not as a rule. Specifically speaking of monogamy here: a relationship consists of two people, two separate people, and it’s so easy to forget the solidity of that fact.
A healthy relationship allows for this to remain true throughout its term, but it is hard work keeping it that way. I once wrote an article for SCREENSHOT on the ways that we try to control love by morphing into whoever we’re dating, and ultimately lose who we were at the beginning. This can be a positive when it comes to learning new things, trying foods you wouldn’t or wearing more red because they think you look nice in it—but it’s detrimental when you forget how to think on your own.
I am a firm believer of Love, in togetherness and conversation, but I’m repelled by the idea of infatuation—because other than providing great writing content, it leaves you feeling empty and more alone than real heartbreak ever could. The author Daniel Chidiac spoke about this in saying that “if you’re obsessing over someone to the point of waiting for every one of their texts, or you can't focus on the things that you were focusing on before you met them—it’s never a reflection of how good they are, it is always a reflection of the relationship you have with yourself… if you have got to this stage, then you have forgotten to love yourself.”
Like the Feng Shui in outside space, there must be balance inside space too, which brings me back to another article I wrote (while still very single) on a similar topic, and somehow my opinions haven’t changed a great deal; it would be wonderful for all of us to want to look for someone to, “first of all, allow you to be you, allow you to change who that ‘you’ is, and then love you anyway without asking too many questions.” But instead we seem to change how we are, to suit who we want to be loved by. Our 20 something minds are malleable and it would serve us well to remember that when dating. We can’t build a person to be what we want, no matter how hard we try, we can’t ignore the truth of another because we wish for it not to be true.
Let people be themselves, and you be you—before you entertain the idea of committing. You are no less worthy or ready for love if you are single, and you are no more accomplished or happy if you are not, both choices are equal. A lot of the time however, we are made to think that one choice is better than the other, and because of this, we as a society have become uncomfortable with being alone, and we are making bad choices for the sole purpose of avoiding that.
I know that I’m cool enough, funny enough, clever enough, wild enough, kind enough—“I’m the god damned full package”—But if you’ve said that before while ferociously stalking you ex’s new girlfriend then it’s probably because you didn’t feel chosen at some point by someone else, and that might define how you continue to feel when starting something else with someone new, it becomes a cycle in wanting to be right for them—and not for you. This is a terrible foundation to launch into anything from, because you will never feel good enough if you cannot simply be enough as you were from the start. Build a healthy relationship with the fact that you are an option, an easy way to start is by understanding that everyone else is too.
A way to love being single, is to love your options. Be the damn option! And do as you bloody well please in the process, bulldoze the obstacles in the way to your best self, the self that is best for you, not them. On that note, I’m going to leave this here as I promised I’d publish today, but I have a theatre press night to get to (how cool am I). It’s probably best to have got the ‘seriousness’ of this topic out of the way first anyway, so that I can get back to you tomorrow morning in true Accidentally Cupid fashion, no details spared. ;)
So set your alarms huns, we’ve got seven of your very own massive red flags to start waving about bright and early.
Chat soon, lovers xoxo
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